The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards

Welcome to the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. We'll be recapping the event live as it happens!

Keep in mind, during commercials, we'll be having a Texas Tornado Iron Man Tables Ladders and Chairs deathmatch between two of the most overplayed commercials on MTV today: commercials for the new season of the Hills and the commercials for Rockband: the Beatles. Whoever is played more tonight is the winner of this fake award I just made up, which holds just about as much esteem as any award given out tonight.

Madonna is here to pump up the audience... by harping on Michael Jackson never having a childhood. Awkward doesn't begin to describe the feeling in the room as Joe Jackson is sitting near the front as a guest of honor. We know what Madonna is saying is true and heart wrenching because Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz is almost crying. He better not, that'll completely screw up his eyeliner.

Madonna proceeds to read off the teleprompter a deep and personal story about the first time she went out with Michael Jackson with the pose of a Danielle Steele romance novel. The audience of celebrities is hanging on her every word, which only makes her fake British accent come out even more.

Somehow, she actually gets to mention the child molestation witch hunts to a now stunned audience. Whatever she says now, just imagine how hard Russell Brand will have to work with his monologue when this is over. He's going to have to think up so many euphemisms for his own penis and funny metaphors for sex to bring a smile to this audience.

Cue the Michael Jackson tribute, which consists mainly of dancers dressed in various era Michael Jackson garb dancing to Michael Jackson videos. In the audience, you can almost hear the cash register crash in Joe Jackson's mind as he realizes people would pay to see this on Broadway. I do feel bad for those who are forced to dress like Black and White/Dangerous-era Jacko, though, as everyone else gets satin and sequins and they get a white shirt.

Janet then jumps onstage to sing along with Scream, and apparently she takes the point of the song way too literally and screams in a guttural yell usually only reserved for Cradle of Filth music videos. But even if she's screaming and off-key, it proves that she's singing here live, something she has yet to do at any other VMA ever.

Except to see "A Father's Tribute To His Son: The King of Pop" open up on Broadway before the end of the week.

We officially open the show with a very heavy industrial beat and Katy Perry singing "We Will Rock You" somehow. Talk about a jarring cut from a heartfelt tribute to a fallen brother by his sister... But it does give us Joe Perry playing Queen on lead guitar, and he needs something to do now that his lead singer can't seem to keep from falling off stages. I guess Singing For Aerosmith Is So Hard On The Knees. This is, of course, all a grand entrance for Russell Brand as we get a big lit billboard for his name and flames onstage the likes of which make the surviving members of Great White pee themselves a little.

Let's see how long it takes for Russell to get himself bleeped out by the censors over a Michael Jackson joke. He starts with a joke about Katy Perry's vagina, just like Michael Jackson would have wanted. He then changes topics so fast to avoid being kicked off the air that you'd think I accidentally changed the channel.

How did Jimmy Fallon get a ticket to this? Could I have been invited if I only asked?

And we get our first bleep of the night, as Russell Brand kisses Lady Gaga's ass over the recent hermaphrodite rumors. And we've got our first nickname for his own penis of the night! Tonight it's "Sack of Magic And Wand."

By the law of averages, 45% of his monologue was bleeped.

And your winner for Best Female Video of the Year is Taylor Swift, proving that wearing George Burns' glasses truly means you are playing a character that is totally not just yourself in George Burns' glasses.

Kanye West just bum rushes the stage to bitch about Beyonce not winning. Proving that his temper tantrums tonight will not be limited to his own videos or music. The audience actually boos him and Taylor Swift looks like West just took a running kick to her crotch. The producers, ever the gentlemen, respond by awkwardly cutting to a Best New Artist skit. That truly was a tribute to Sour Grapes the world over. Expect Kanye West to be the 4th Fanta Fantana Dancer, as Kanye "Sour Grapes" West. Expect Kanye to jump the stage and yell at you after ever award and he demands to know why his friends didn't win instead.

When you think about it, which pick should have won: a black and white video that features 3 women dancing in leotards only without any real innovation or new imagery or a video where a blond singer puts on a black wig to pretend to play the evil girl who hates her? The answer is neither, Lady Gaga should have won so we could sit through her acceptance speech and explanation for why half her face appears to be melting.

For the record: this show is already 1/5th over and we only have had enough time for 1 award to be given out and 1 temper tantrum from Kanye. They better speed these things up if they want to get all of Kanye's irate outbursts in their time slot.

Somehow, Russell Brand is finding a way to get half of his cry for peace and love bleeped by the censored.

Jack Black is here doing his damnedest to promote Brutal Legend, a video game you all should be pre-ordering instead of watching this. Apparently the concept of video game is above Russell Brand as he describes it as a "computer video game thingie with pictures and music and stuff and moving things and a bunny." Jack in full Brutal Legend costume is here with that Gossip Girl from Good Girls Gone Bad to give us Best Rock Video. Sadly, it does defeat the purpose of having Jack Black there if the first video nominee shown is Coldplay and it only gets pussier from there.

And Best Rock Video goes to Green Day, as MTV feverishly tries to build them as the next U2 or Beatles because Bono is getting old and they are tired of paying royalty checks to Yoko Ono. Also, I'm sure their win has nothing to do with the fact that they are the only nominee that are scheduled to perform tonight. No siree, Bob. You can sense the fear of any award winner tonight that Kanye is mere feet away from jumping the stage and interrupting their speech.

Up next, is iCarly with that 15 year old Man of the Evening we heard about during the pre-show who is apparently a singer or something as they are here to introduce Taylor Swift performing live. She's coming to us live from the subways of New York, which is odd since her stage parents and handlers usually don't let her anywhere near where poor people might congregate. She continues to sing the new anthem of the next American Civil War: People who wear Short Skirts and People who wear T-shirts, choose your side and pick up an AK-47. We've been living together in clothes-related peace for too long. It's time to make this country safe to wear short skirts for all!

Her performance is exactly what you'd expect it to be, her surrounded by models and extras hired to pretend like they care about the song when they really just want air-time. They gave her at least 4 different chances to fall down a flight of stairs on live television to make a historical moment, and she failed that.

Kanye West jumps on camera at the end of her performance to say her song is bad and she should feel bad and Beyonce should be performing instead. We cut to commercial as MTV officials lead Kanye off to the Klonopin tent, explaining that Beyonce is performing later.

Sadly, commercials for the City do not count as commercials for the Hills in tonight's commercial deathmatch. I only created this battle of the advertisements, I did not create the rules.

Ironically, they bleep out the word "Hoe" at least 30 times during 3OH!3's 30 second performance but they somehow get Pete Wentz past the censors. He's here with his own personal pet, the guy from Cobra Starship, as they introduce Lady Gaga performing as we all play pretend that she actually fell off the roof on a chandelier. Bonus points to MTV for not telling the presenters what would happen, as Fall Out Boy and Cobra Starship literally looked scared as they ran offstage.

Lady Gaga, more than just pretending to die a tragic death by falling tonight, is also here to dispel the rumor that she has a penis. She does so by wearing a leotard so tie you could probably throw a certs from the audience and she could catch it with her cameltoe.

And now her breasts appear to be menstruating. It's funny how much of this performance is going over the heads of the celebrities they are cutting to when it's really not that deep at all. So far it's the best performance of the night by the sheer benefit of not being Taylor Swift or a tribute to Michael Jackson. You depend on how proud the Gaga should feel for earning that title from me.

And we have a Hills commercial! That means it's Hills 1, Beatles 0 in tonight's Viacom-approved Commercial Texas Tornado Tables Ladders and Chairs Cage match. Pop culture as a whole already weeps at that last statement.

Russell Brand is here to verbally rape Megan Fox to appear to be heterosexual. Of course as he talks about drugging and sexing up Megan, they cut to a reaction shot of Katy Perry, because Megan Fox is such an overblown bitch that even MTV has decided to join the media boycott on her.

For some reason, there are 40,000 cobras released into the audience as Kristin Cavallari and Nelli Furtado introduce the nominees for best pop video. Either that or the entire audience decided to hiss for some reason. Since this is an award dominated by female nominations, expect Kanye to throw another temper tantrum in mere seconds.

And your winner for Best Pop Video is... Britney Spears. My god, Kanye's head just exploded. Britney couldn't be there tonight, so she accepts the Moon Man from satellite and the audience boos that. This audience is on a hair trigger tonight and will turn on anyone or anything.

Yay, the Media Boycott of Megan Fox has been lifted... either that or a blow up doll has been thrown onstage, as she introduces Green Day with some other guy I couldn't be bothered to recognize. They are here to introduce Green Day, who won an award for Best Rock Video earlier not at all because they are performing right now. Noooooope, that was completely unrelated. *cough*

Ladies and gentlemen, apparently Billie Joe Armstrong was in a bleach fight earlier today judging by his hair and yet he is still here to perform for each and every one of us. That's showmanship.

Green Day then decides to invite the audience up onstage, which would have been a perfect time for Kanye West to join in. Too bad he's being locked up in Sway's hat to avoid any future outbursts. Somehow the entire performance becomes a weird mimic of how the band would sound if played by mediocre Rockband players, complete with white noise and dropping the instruments after the song is done. Even by Green Day standards, the entire performance seemed to be lacki... LET'S HEAR IT NEW YORK CITY!

30 Helens Agree: the performances we keep getting cut into and from as commercial bumpers are better than the ones we were forced to sit through tonight.

The cast of Twilight Saga: New Moon are out to prove yet again that tonight is less about music and more about promoting this stupid movie to teenage girls. Case in point, they are using Video Music Awards time to air a trailer for New Moon. Which is a commercial in the traditional sense. A commercial for something that is not even in the least bit music based. Where is Kanye West to bitch out this bullshit?

Now to recap the New Moon trailer: Gay. Gay. Sparkles. Gay. Drama. Gay. Gay. Gay. Drama. More Drama. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.

The audience responds in kind to the trailer by yawning. These celebrities cannot be bothered to care tonight.

Ne-yo and some white guy are here now to introduce another performance, this time by Beyonce. Somewhere Kanye West is finally content in his heart of hearts and can stop trying to bite the handcuffs off his wrists. To show how innovative her music is, Beyonce is apparently performing from within a showing of Laser Floyd tonight. That quickly ends as Beyonce performs Single Ladies doing the exact same dance for the 800th time on TV. They respond by cutting to Katy Perry yet again for her response, which appears to be schoolgirl giddiness. One of the single ladies dancing onstage just might be Lunell from Borat... That or Sisquo in drag.

Tonight's Beyonce performance has been brought to you by Nair leg wax, nipple tape, and A-DAT backing vocal playback machines apparently, as she just gives up and doesn't even attempt to fake singing during the chorus.

P-Diddy and Meadow Soprano are here to announce the winner for Best Rap Video. P Diddy, by law of teleprompter, has to say Kanye's name and the crowd suddenly turns into Wrestlemania and starts booing wildly and cheering "Taylor Taylor." One must question if maybe Kanye has tantrum'd once too much here.

Dear God: Please let Kanye win this award somehow.

The crowd even boo his part of the nominee package. NEVER piss off Radio City Music Hall.

Oh thank god, TI won the award but he couldn't be here because he's in jail. If Kanye would have won, Radio City Music Hall would have literally collapsed onto him in a self-made ego black hole mixed with audience hatred.

Up next, a band almost no one in the audience has ever heard of performs at a level at least 3 steps higher than any other performer could reach tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, let's sit back and enjoy Muse.

Notice Muse doesn't have to keep yelling "Let's hear it New York" because the lead singer can remember his own lyrics. During a night where people are having problems playing just one instrument, Muse easily has the performance of the night because the lead singer is singing, playing guitar, and keyboards at the same time. Too bad no one will remember who they were come tomorrow when temper tantrums and Twilight take over most of the media coverage of this event.

And we finally have a Beatles sighting! That brings our Texas Tornado Tables Ladders and Chairs Cage Match to the Hills 1 and the Beatles 1. It's a dead tie! Made even more dead since half of one side is George Harrelson and John Lennon.

MTV proves why they are a Music Channel first and foremost by cutting away from Muse continuing to tear the house down to show commercials for Taco Bell.

We come back from commercial with the All-American Rejects performing "Gives You Hell" and introducing their brand new lead singer: Nathan Dayspring Summers. Someone find the cure for the All American Rejects Techno-Organic Virus today!

Jennifer Lopez is here to present Best Hip Hop Video, which is apparently different from Best Rap Video because they say so. Either way, it's another Moon Man for Kanye to not win!

Completely unrelated: If you exist, God, please let Kanye win!

Thankfully Eminem was able to interrupt his busy schedule of fucking the reader up the ass on the last page of the Wanted Graphic Novel to accept his award tonight.

Kid Cudi is out to perform his new song, which features Kanye West, in tribute of DJ AM. Will Kanye show up to perform, too? And will the crowd boo during a tribute? Of course not, we have important commercials to get to.

We cut away from the very important commercials to have a recap of just how historic this night has been by the gay guy MTV hired to fill in for Perez Hilton because he costs too much. He tells us to do something that I ignore because his gushing about Madonna made me throw up in my mouth a little.

For a host, Russell Brand has barely been on tonight and what little time he has been on has been bleeped out. However, he does get time to call Traci Morgan a "Great Comedy Legend," proving why real stand up comedians hate Russell Brand. Morgan and Eminem are out to announce the winner of Best New Artist.

And the audience wins, because Best New Artist is Lady Gaga. This should be a fun acceptance speech. For some reason they bleep out "Moon Man," me thinks something is getting a little trigger happy on the killswitch tonight because of Brand. They also almost bleeped out "Fans." She says her award is for "God and for the Gays" which I'm sure won't be overblown and picked apart by Fox News tomorrow.

Hey, did you know Pink has played over 400 sold out "shorts" in the last few years? According to her introduction she has! And here she is to perform Sober, which might be one of the most painfully morose songs of the year. Lyrics were provided by a 9th grade goth's poetry diary.

Keep in mind, a decade ago Lil' Kim wore nothing but a pasty on a breast onstage. Pink has to cheat and wear a nude body skirt with a fake pasty on it while doing Trapeze routines a retarded clown could float through with ease.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Hills 2/Beatles 1. We all should be ashamed for ourselves.

Oh thank god, there's another Beatles ad. We're back to a tie, 2 for 2 in the Cage Match Viacom-Approved Commercial Deathmatch!

Tonight's VMAs are brought to you by Hyperbole apparently, as Jimmy Fallon is introduced as "This Generation's David Letterman." He's here with Andy Whatshisface to introduce Video of the Year and they break out into Boyz II Men, which Beyonce joins from the crowd in what might be the only entertaining thing she has ever done. The crowd is still deathly against Kanye during the nominee package.

Your Video of the Year: Beyonce. Proving that they gave the earlier award to Taylor because they knew Beyonce would get hers at the end. Beyonce actually makes up for Kanye's douchebaggery and brings Taylor out to share the Video of the Year spotlight with her in an incredible show of good sportsmanship. God damn you, Kanye, making me respect Beyonce. Beyonce stands back and Taylor gives the acceptance speech Kanye interrupted earlier and she actually looks happy to share the stage with Taylor. I'll say this: this makes Taylor and Beyonce look like the real winners while Kanye gets boos and absolutely no awards, as it should be. Maybe the twitter and myspace generation will continue this backlash and Kanye will be forced to take de-douchifying classes.

With that said, please let Jay-Z perform "Run This Town" with Rhianna and Kanye. Just to see Kanye get boo'd offstage.

Tonight will live in the annuals of history as the night Kanye west picked on a teenage girl and killed his career. That's the only memorable thing to happen this entire show next to Lady Gaga's breasts having their period onstage.

In the ultimate tribute to New York, Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes' performance will end when a 747 flies into it.

For the record, yes, Jay-Z just rhymed Bob Marley with Bob Marley. He couldn't even pull out a Marley and Me reference? And this is closing the show?

I give you the lyrics to Jay-Z's next hit single: "G-Spot rocks the G-Spot." First rhyming chose Bubba Sparxxx and now it chose him!

It's kind of ironic that this year's VMAs end with the continued exploitation of a corpse that MTV itself exploited for every penny when it was still alive. But really folks, go see This Is It live in Real3D for two weeks only next month! Do it now and reward Joe Jackson for his lifetime of child abuse that eventually led to Michael's death.

For the first time in years, the VMAs actually end on time, most likely because Kanye West bought them 5 minutes by cutting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech short.

All in all, we ended with a dead tie between the Beatles and the Hills, showing how cultural bankrupt people who used to like Kanye West are somehow. And if watching TV is supposed to yield learning and education, we all learned that yelling at an 18 year old girl with millions of internet savvy fans might not be the best idea for one's career.