Sunday, September 13, 2009

The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards Preshow

Ladies and gentlemen, pop culture junkies and multimedia whores, I'm here yet again for what seems like the 15th year in a row to bring you a live recap of the MTV VMAs as they were meant to be broughten: full of snark and with absolutely no respect nor admiration to the performers contained within.

First to lay down the general ground rules that we will be playing by tonight: our live recap will be updated every commercial break, so you can check out the television room and then come hit refresh during the most likely neverending ads for Taco Bell. Every half hour or such I will be updating my twitter page with a general overview of what we've discussed thus far right here.

Much like last year, we will have a commercial Texas Tornado Cage Match With Tables. Now last year's epic battle between and Taco Bell failed to be both a battle nor epic, but I brought out my monkey wench and fixed that for 2009. This year we present a death match the likes of which has never been seen so far this year:

The Hills vs. Rockband: Beatles

Obviously since MTV and Viacom have a stake in both of these combatants, I imagine we'll be seeing a much closer race this year in the numbers of annoying commercials played.

Much like prior years, it appears they put anyone with any kind of live show production experience on the VMAs themselves and let the children of cameramen and interns produce the preshow. All the awkward transitions and dead air of a college radio station without having to listen to Bob Marley!

Sway and his hat show us some live footage of Lady Gaga arriving at Radio City Music Hall while mentioning she brought with her a very special guest... without ever showing us the guest. Good work, Sway's hat.

Apparently this year MTV went to the utmost and foremost authority on high fashion: some girl from Twilight with zero interview experience who stole her dress and make-up from an extra in the Thriller video. Her first interview of the night happens to be with the least fashion forward people in the room, Green Day, and yet she still proceeds to ask them what they are wearing. They proceed to ignore her and stare at the camera with just enough enthusiasm to pretend they care.

Much like every other cable station this year, the theme seems to be twitter, so MTV has iJustine over the marquee of Radio City Music Hall in front of a TV screen that doesn't display any text from tweets, but she assures us that this technology is really great and it'll change the world forever.

Another awkward segue back to Sway as he literally sexually assaults Shakira during their interview. She responds with a smile and a look in her eyes that says "Where is my restraining order" as he admits to masturbating to her furiously in her latest video. She quickly runs away, so Sway is left to cry alone.

Finally we see who Lady Gaga arrived with... Kermit the Frog! And during an interview with both of them, Lady repeatedly makes jokes about having sex with the hand puppet and Kermit tries desperately to keep everything G-rated but fails almost as miserably as Sway did at hitting on Shakira. Vegas odds on what Lady Gaga is on? Xanax is at 2-1, Vicodin 5-1, and Oxycontin is even odds.

Whatever Lady Gaga is on, she's sharing it with Twilight Thriller Zombie Fashionista Girl, as she mumbles her way through an interview with her own movie co-star. He sheepishly admits that he has no clue who is performing tonight, so she rattles off a list of anyone she might have heard mentioned in the last 5 minutes, proving that a parrot could have done her job just as well.

Sway is with Buzz Aldrin to give us the award for Best Breakthrough Video, but instead they do a comedy bit about peeing on the wood. Check out Sway and Buzz Aldrin and Sway's Hat this fall on the Vaudeville stage. Sway them kindly reminds Buzz that he's there to read off the nominees for Breakthrough Video, but Buzz is distracted by the award itself. He breaks the cardinal rule and asks Sway what it's made of, followed by guessing "Aluminum?" Sway, embarrassed that Buzz guessed it right instantly, smiles and says, "No way, platinum!" Then he holds Buzz at gunpoint as Buzz fumbles his way through a list of bands and songs he never heard of. In his mind, the Best Breakthrough Video of this year was obviously Frank Sinatra's "Ain't It A Kick In The Head."

And your winner for Breakthrough Video: Matt and Kim's Lessons Learned. Fans of fake nudity and streaking through Times Square are going crazy right now! It should be noted that none of the nominees for this award were ever played on MTV.

It's at this point in the pre-show that I realize I'm being way more awake/verbose/excited about this event than Twilight Thriller Zombie Girl as she could barely stay awake long enough to read a teleprompter about some kind of "airband" contest winners brought to you by Sears. What did they win? They won the rights to jump around like idiots on the red carpet earlier today when the only other people there were the carpenters setting it up. Great prize for the children, Sears and MTV! You could have at least let them pet Sway's hat.

And we are back with MTV's British correspondent as Taylor Swift arrives in a horse drawn princess carriage, making sure all creepy pedophiles of the world can still pretend she's not 18 yet. Once again, the hosts only seem to want to talk about other people with their interviewees, so the British guy seems to be enamored with Kermit the Frog and Lady Gaga, which generally seems to please Taylor since she doesn't have to think too hard to answer any of these questions.

Did you know V-Cast by Verizon Wireless is all over the backstage area? And they are giving us crappy camera phone footage of girls screaming! Wow, it's like seeing the worst of YouTube, brought to you by Verizon.

Apparently the man of the evening is some 15 year old I never heard of, and he's here tonight with P Diddy! A girl won some kind of contest to get a shout out from random teenybopper and he proves that he has that starmaking charisma by completely forgetting the girls name. So I'd like to step in and give a shout out to this boy's manager, for forcing him into dancing and singing classes all those times he could have been learning how to read.

P Diddy steps in to salvage to interview by saying we all must "keep our legacy alive" when asked about Michael Jackson. In a rare moment of clarity, he realized what he said was fully retarded and corrects himself, creating a singularity of improbability so big it wiped out most of the east coast.

Remember past years where the VMA preshow would be full of fun performances by bands or singers that are just not quite primetime level, such as Beck or maybe the Foo Fighters? Well apparently the fun and excitement of seeing tomorrow's A-list bands perform today just wasn't fun enough. You know what's real fun? Watching Sway attempt to act like he knows who Kristin Cavallari from the Hills is! He fumbles through some awkward commercial-esque questions about her getting along with Audrina Partridge, who you would know as the star of the next #1 movie in America and next year's Best Movie Oscar Winner, Sorority Row. She keeps going on about how she's not the reason Audrina isn't there, with just as many if not more double negatives than I just used, even though no one said she was. Sway then shows he has been paying attention to what she's been saying by asking her who will win Best Rap Video. Sway's Hat really has to sue for custody of Sway's brain, because it's obvious Sway's just letting it go to waste.

Apparently Sway is a big fan of the movie Fame. Did you know that? Well apparently everyone does, because he flops that personal fact out on the poker table like it's common knowledge. He's now with the cast of the new movie Fame, who are here to bring us their music video for their modern remake of the Fame theme. Yes, it's as painful as you think it might be, complete with a new rap breakdown and the white castmates attempting to dance. You don't topple the box office juggernaut that is Sorority Row with a rap breakdown and awkward cracker dancing, Fame! Try harder and enjoy being #2 in the theaters behind what is sure to be the next Citizen Kane.

We are back from commercial with Jermaine Jackson. He promises us a big tribute to his brother tonight featuring Chris Brown, Mary J Blige, Sister Sledge, Whitney Houston, the cast of Toy Story, the last 3 Popes (both living and deceased), and Chewbacca. The British correspondent has to remind him that it appears only his sister Janet will be performing, to which Jermaine silently weeps into his lawyer's breast.

Hey, remember Fefe Dobson? You are not alone in not. She's inside the VMAs and went out clothes shopping with the lesbian not-winner from that previous season of America's Next Top Model. They choose 3 options and let the fans pick which one she will be wearing as she fills a seat tonight... and she decided to wear something else anyways. Good work, Fefe. Alienate the 4 people who remember how great that one song from you was.

Twitter is making our world a better place by pointing out that Pink and Shakira are wearing the same dress tonight. OMG, Y'ALL, CATFIGHT UP IN 'ERE.

Hey guys, Jennifer Lopez is still relevant enough to get a ticket to this show! Sadly, she is not relevant enough to be interviewed by anyone but Twilight Thriller Zombie Girl, who could not be more bored by the entire thing. Jennifer Lopez hypes her new album without giving any kind of specific release date as she apparently wears a satin bedskirt as a dress.

Remember when it was announced that Justin Bieber was the 15 Year Old Man Of The House less than a half hour ago? Well, it was a short hour apparently, because now Joe "My Son Is Dead, Where's My Paycheck" Jackson is the REAL man of the hour. He's setting the town on fire tonight by... uh... sitting in a seat watching his blackberry for emails from his accountant. Stay classy, Joe Jackson.

This is the last commercial break before the big show, folks, so strap it down or go hit up the bathroom NOW. Fun fact: this has been going on for 55 minutes and they only gave out one award. A subtle metaphor for how much MTV cares about music videos? Yes!

Hey, remember 5 minutes ago when Joe Jackson was named Man of the Hour and some 15 year old "singer" was named man of the night? Well Beyonce is apparently the Woman of the Evening. It's nice that those writing classes seem to be working for those writing the teleprompters tonight. The high point of Beyonce's interview is her bodyguard accidentally trying to get the camera man thrown out. Nothing else of interest was said or happened. I think I sense a theme occurring here.

Sway is here to give us the winner of "Video that should have Won A Moon Man" where MTV tries to make up for snubbing a truly great video of the past. He hurriedly skips over the nominees and just gives the award to Beastie Boys' Sabotage. I'm sorry to report that an MTV Moon Man can cause throat cancer, so maybe it's best that the Beastie Boys never receive this prestigious and contagious award.

Well folks, now they are killing time until the clock strikes 9. So it's time to move over to the big show!