The 2010 MTV Video Music Awards

Welcome to the 2010 MTV VMAs Iceanvil.com recap, folks! We're jumping right into it since that's how they chose to start the award shows this year:

Apparently Eminem wasn't allowed to actually enter the building until he performed at least one verse of his song, since he starts his super cereal performance in a fake backstage set that opens up and allows him to enter the deck of the Star Trek Enterprise. What's that? Oh, you're right. There's not enough lens flare for that to the Enterprise deck, so I guess that's the stage design we're going with this year. Luckily Eminem has decided to treat this stage's roof like his daughter and raise it. So much better than treating it like your blow up doll and popping it. Rihanna is here tonight wearing what can only be described as the worst anime cosplay wig, looking a bit like what would happen if manga threw up on Hot Topic. They continue Eminem's performance with "I Like The Way You Lie," which is totally not about Chris Brown beating Rihanna. Nope... Not at all. All things considered it was a decent opening but nothing really that set the stage on fire, despite them trying to make it appear that way. Of course, I'm only one reviewer. Victoria Justice appears to disagree with me in the audience.

Chelsea Handler sets the tone for her entire hosting gig tonight with a skit featuring every guy in the building slapping her fat, AARP member ass. Sexism is funny! She is bombarded with an apparently sober Lindsey Lohan who slaps her around and tells her to do the VMAs tonight sober because no one wants to work with a drunk. Great, there goes about 40% of Chelsea's comedy. It's going to be all midgets all night now.

Our first "Chelsea Handler trying too hard" moment of the night is already here as she comes out to Lady Gaga's dancers doing Bad Romance wearing a house on her head. Someone's Barbie dolls are going to be pissed. She then proceeds to release a dove from beneath her skirt... that then flies straight down and lands on a much more attractive woman's knee. They kind of stand there dumbfounded waiting for the dove to do something interesting. Let's let that dove host instead!

She manages to get two words into her first sentence and is bleeped when asking Lady Gaga how she wears all that shit on her head. She then points out that she's the first female host since 1994, which I believe was Rosanne Barr. She quickly makes an outdated Justin Timberlake/Britney Spears joke and jumps right into asking the crowd to get naked. She then points out that she was able to sneak weapons into the theater because security didn't care to check her, because she's white. She then calls Beyonce and Lady Gaga "leotarded." So we have outdated unfunny joke, racist joke, and retard joke all in quick succession!

She then introduces the Jersey Shore cast, which the audience cheers. Chelsea gets her one good joke out by telling the audience to shut up and stop cheering them, since they are the reason MTV doesn't play videos anymore. Chelsea is definitely high on crack tonight as she doesn't stop to breathe and jumps right into Mel Gibson jokes and Justin Bieber looks like a Lesbian jokes. Her entire monologue was written by random drunk facebook wall posts from Rolling Stone's fan page. She ends her triumphant monologue of mediocrity by bringing a self defense target out to punch to demonstrate how to stop someone from Kanye West'ing you tonight.

Ellen is here to not be a host on American Idol anymore and give out the award for Best Female Video! The nominees are Beyonce for Videophone, Ke$ha for Tik-Tok, Katy Perry for California Gurls, Lady Gaga for Bad Romance, and Taylor Swift for Fifteen. Oh no, Taylor might win the first award again this year... Someone hold Kanye back.

Psyche! Tonight is the annual MTV Lady Gaga Awards, as she has now officially won all three of the awards given out so far, including Best Dance Video and Best Collaboration given out during the pre-show. The theme of her dress tonight is Montezuma's Revenge. Lady Gaga gives us a speech where she doesn't thank god but she thanks the gays. Somewhere out there Fox News is exploding as we watch this.

Tonight's commercial break death match will be MTV Reality Shows vs. Microsoft Kinect and Halo: Reach. We start his battle off right with MTV Reality Shows being the first commercial out with a World of Jenks spot. It's officially 1-0! For the record, VH-1 reality shows do not count, Bret Michaels: Life As I Know it.

The cast of Jackass 3D are here to embarrass us all... in 3D! We cut to a clip of them doing what Jackasses do, hitting Bam Margeria in the face with a giant hand as if he isn't already one step closer to the edge. They are here for Best Rock Video, nominees including MGMT, Flo + the Machine, 30 Seconds to Mars, Muse, and Paramore's Ignorance. I pledge my allegiance with the band with the singer who flashed her tits. Our first letdown of the night as 30 Seconds To Mars wins despite the fact that MTV barely played the video they were nominated for. MTV responds to cutting to the director's van instead of Jared Leto's mic. They give you their usual "This is the fans award" speech as Leto is not going to show an ounce of charisma or fun tonight.

Kim Kardashian is here to claim to be a pedophile for Justin Bieber, who she has to stay 51 feet away from at all times. They call her a fashion icon as the term fashion icon loses all meaning. You guys will forgive me if I just tune out for the next 4 minutes, won't you? Here's the recap you'd miss: girls scream, Usher looks creepy next to Bieber, more girls screaming, even more girls screaming, screaming girls, and finally girls shrieking for a change of pace.

MTV is not messing around when it comes to confusing it's audience with the real importance of tonight as we start the second commercial break with the second MTV reality show commercial, this time for the Buried Life. That brings the cage match to 2-to-0. Since that commercial was followed by the Morning After pill, I'm wondering if maybe picking video games as their competition was a big mistake.