Join us at 9 PM Eastern Standard Time as our recap launches along with Britney Spears' lip syncing return to relevance as the curtain rises on this year's failed abortion of an awards show.
As an added bonus we also are proud to announce the Crappy Commercial Face-Off! As a way to give the illusion of even the commercial breaks mattering, and a way to agonize my own bladder, we'll be keeping track of the number of times the following commercials air in two Texas Tornado death matches:
Taco Bell's White Guys Rapping vs Freecreditreport.com's Annoying Yuppy Singer
An MTV Commercial Claiming They Still Show Music Videos vs Commercials For Movies Not Coming Out Until 2009
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Remember that big "opening performance" MTV has been promoting in the press for weeks with Britney Spears' big comeback? Prepare for a horribly written and unfunny comedy sketch! The VMAs are officially MadTV, folks, and that makes Britney Spears Ms. Swan. Just yesterday I thought Jonah Hill couldn't act... and there is the VMAs proving me right. We then get swept back to semi-live with Britney Spears walking from a tailer to the stage looking almost 100% uncrazy.
America loves a comeback story, and the fact that Britney's comeback here involves absolutely no dance skills or singing just proves what she was initially famous for, no? She then wishes the VMAs a happy birthday. The VMAs come out and mistakes its birthday cake for the Artist of the Millenium award.
Our first performance of the night! And it's Rihanna pretending she's Thriller, only with glowstick wands. So think Michael Jackson in a corset with a hundred Tacos putting on the ritz around her. Battle of the night: Rihanna against her backing track on the chorus of Disturbia. She can't even sing along with herself in key, folks. That's why Shia LaBouf banged her.
The only people showing off less actual human movement or talent than Britney Spears tonight? Rihanna's back-up band, pretending to actually play Disturbia live. I think the bass player officially quit and joined Pink's live band in the middle of the second verse.
Oh crap, the live band woke up! All it took was them performing a better song by a better artist! Then they went back to sleep just in time for Disturbia to come back. Take that, White Stripes.
And much like her live band mid-way through her performance, her back-up singers end the act with passing out. Dumb dumb dee dumb indeed.
Here's our host for the evening: the corpse of the lead singer of the Cure!
Wait, that guy's not dead yet?
Are you sure? Have you heard of the Cure doing anything important since the 90s?
Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree, because this British guy is yelling at us right now. He has now acknowledged that no one knows who he is. He's British, MTV! It's OK!
In the middle of this completely boring and meaningless monologue... Vote For Obama.
Emo British Amy Winehouse dude is bringing his A-game by calling Bush retarded, proving that he, much like 30 Seconds To Mars, is stuck in 2006. The audience of rich people aren't really accepting of his anti-Republican rants, however, since they love conservatism. Rihanna's performance proved that.
If this guy wasn't famous before tonight... he won't be famous tomorrow either.
Emo-Limey attacking the Jonas Brothers for not having premarital sex. The crowd goes awkwardly silence the second he mentions they have genitals. Hey, VMA Audience, here's a joke about Joe Jackson beating the Jackson 5 with a belt! We're cutting new comedic ground with Cure-Emo-Limey!
Ciera does not approve from the audience.
I think Emo-Limey just said only a baseball bat screwing will make Madonna feel like a virgin. The audience, not as medicated as I am, could not follow his accent or path of logic.
Here's our awkward transition into the first award: "I love the Jonas Brothers! And now... here's Jamie Fox!" Maybe the C-team from Britan's Whose Line should stay overseas...
Jamie Fox is here and he's tanked! He references Busta Rhymes' video from 10 years ago as he introduces the Female Artist of the night, which makes perfect sense if you are smoking something from the same dealer that he is. Somehow Jamie has turned his presentation into a second monologue and smokes Emo-Limey with pure cracked-out-edness!
Your nominees for Famewhore of the Year: Britney Spears, Rhianna, Jordan Sparks, Katy Perry, and Mariah Carey! Two of these people tried to slit their own wrists during the monologue.
And Jamie Fox forgets he's on TV!
Your winner: Britney Spears' video that was barely played on MTV, since they have to thank her for bringing them free publicity by cleaning herself up and opening the show. She thanks god, of course. Because really only god, or an MTV PR agent, could have pre-planned a comeback this epic.
At this point in the evening, it's obvious that the audience can't even understand Emo-Limey as he rambles at breakneck speeds.
Go get a soda now, there is no talent or comedy to be had with Pete Wentz and Heidi/Spencer.
Vote for best new artist! It's almost as vital as voting Obama!
Hey, remember that one Oasis song that sounded pretty decent and we all liked it for a summer? Let's cut to commercial with a DJ scratching it all to hell and the drummer from Blink 182 playing the one beat he knows over it.
Commercial Time! Remember our two Commercial Death Matches tonight!
MTV has decided to squish their commercials into part of the screen as they tell you what's coming up in 90 minutes on the rest. Brilliant! I did not expect Best Pop Video to be coming up. I thought after this commercial break we'll get figure skating or perhaps a rerun of Married... With Children. Thanks for setting me straight, on-screen graphic.
Much like Russell Brand's opening monologue, our death matches are off to a slow start:
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 0
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Brand now attempts to tell us the last 20 minutes were important culturally while introducing Demi Moore. The audience obviously doesn't remember GI Jane and merely applauds politely for the AARP member Ashton is sleeping with.
Your nominees for best male video are: Chris Brown, Flo Rida, T.I., Usher featuring Young Jeezy, and Lil Wayne featuring Static Major. Apparently this is the best R&B and Rap award, too. Do their autotune also get an award?
For the record, 3 out of 5 of the videos came out in the last month. Proving that MTV does not have any remaining long term memory.
Russell Bland really needs a sedative if anyone can understand him tonight.
Taylor Swift is here to remind us that even children beauty contest queens must grow up into awkward country pop stars. And here are the Jonas Brothers, proving the same thing somehow. Trying to get away from their childish former image, they are performing on Mr. Hooper's stoop, live from Sesame Street.
Much like Sesame Street: one of these Jonas is not like the other. One of them doesn't have any talent at all. if you guessed the ukulele playing one on the right, you are correct.
Mr. Hooper's Stoop is torn apart by something... perhaps Cloverfield, as 10,000 screaming morons sweep the Jonas. It's a gamble on MTV's part, flying every moron who would have watched this show on TV in to see it live. Their ratings will be me and Paris Hilton's publicist.
Did you know the Jonas Brothers are virgins? Well they are! And Katy Perry is here just to sing a horribly off-key virgin of Like a Virgin only as a commercial bumper. Way to be a trooper, one hit wonder faux-lesbian.
Commercial time again as I quickly come to terms with the fact that freecreditreport.com has only enough advertising budget to show commercials during the pre-show only. Our final death match counts are going to read like LA Galaxy soccer match scores.
WE HAVE RAPPING WHITE GUYS!
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Katy Perry is apparently still performing, reminding us all that she's not Rose McGowen, so we should probably zip up our pants. She apparently kissed a girl and now won't shut up about it.
Michael Phelps is here and wondering just which agent he should fire, as Russel Brand speed reads the telepompter about a chapstick-cock joke. Phelps brings us Wheezy with Leona Lewis, T-Pain, and T-Pain's autotune and seems to be just about as excited about it as we, the viewer, are.
Leona Lewis sings beautifully and then watches her song horribly remixed into Wheezy's belt failing in the one purpose a belt serves. This performance is brought to you by Fruit of the Loom Boxer Briefs.
This performance is not unlike watching your sister and your mother fight over the radio station on a long car trip. Uh oh, Wheezy's Milla back-up is apparently legally required to be at 20% volume tonight. It doesn't matter if we can hear the beat anyways, since every 3 seconds are muted for uses of naughty words we never heard before.
Here comes T-Pain! And it becomes painfully obvious that he cannot sing without autotune as they play his recorded vocal part off the pro-tools at a higher volume than his live mic. He knows they sell live autotune vocal processors, right? Surely the artist who owes more to a computer program that forces him to sing in tune knows about this revolution by now.
At this point, T-Pain is not even attempting to hit any not, instead adding "Yeah" and "Uh" after every one of his pre-recording and autotuned lines.
This performance just might define current pop music at its finest, America. Aren't you proud? Buy Fruit of the Looms now!
Russell Brand is now talking so fast, even he can't understand himself. Someone is coming up next!
We opened our show with Britney looking great and coming back from the brink of self-destruction. Lindsey is now here to show that she's still on the downward spiral into being the next Tera Reid.
Here are your nominees for best dancing in a video: Neyo, Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake, Chris Brown, Diddy's Make-a-Girl-Group-By-Numbers, and Pussycat Dolls. Which stripper will take home the moon man! The Pussycat Dolls win by default since they happen to be closest to the presenters in the audience. They would like to thank God for allowing them to shake their ass directly in front of the camera and showing us as much camel toe as humanly possible and getting it past standards and practices.
Troops in Iraq: The Pussycat Dolls didn't forget about you. Their Balley's commercial was just more important than enlisting themselves to help fight on the front lines.
Commercial break as I remember that I did, in fact, forget the troops.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Has MTV given up the act of claiming they actually care about music videos? So far the death matches prove yes.
Diddy's Create-A-Girl-Group-By-Numbers are our official best new artist vote counters. They have prior vote counting experience, as they worked in Florida back in 2000.
Yes, I stole that joke from Russell Brand's act.
Russell Brand is now just making noises, like a human muppet, to give the illusion of speech.
Welcome a bunch of people you never heard of kindly! People you never heard of are introducing Paramore, another band not actually performing at the VMAs itself, but on location at a place a thousand times cooler.
Live from the Whiskey-a-Go-Go, rocking out on the very spot that Brett Michaels passed out dozens of times in a diabetic coma and Vince Neil threw up, Paramore proves that absolutely no one looks good in bright yellow pants. Those of you who might be watching this muted and thought they were watching Avril Lavinge: don't worry. I have the volume on and I keep confusing the two myself. Doesn't mean Avril/Paramore Hybrid Clone Thingy is not the most bangable female we've seen perform tonight by a long shot, though, since her competition is Rhianna and T-Pain's autotune.
Commercial time! Which is worse: pretending to be chosen as Tila Tequila's next love of her life or Paris Hilton's BFF? Both involve the same exchange of STDs.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn try valiantly to bring us our first commercial for a movie that comes out in 2009, but their crap romantic comedy that'll only bank 15-20 million opening weekend comes out November 29th. People with a fear of large crowds, see it opening day! I'll be holding a four-square tournament at my local theater as its playing, for all 6 people present.
Nothing is as it seems, according to Russell Brand. If you think about that hard enough, you can almost pretend Brand himself is someone interesting.
Slash and Shia LaBouf have taken a short break from drunk driving and destroying their hands with SUVs to present to us Best Rock video! Your nominees are: Paramore (keep in mind they just performed), Slipknot (with a video that just debuted last month), Linkin Park (who were in Shia's Transformer movie), Foo Fighters (who have no chance of winning), and Fall Out Boy with their preppiest cover of Beat It. Linkin Park wins as Slash laughs in amazement that LP is still relevant. They instantly call out the elephant in the room and proclaim Transformers awesome.
Linkin Park awkwardly thank only one person, and that person just happens to be one of two members of the band on the stage. And that person just may or may not be God.
Miley Cyrus killed Living on a Prayer in Rock Band, which is amazing, since I thought Bon Jovi did that when they released it.
Hey, remember Pink? Wasn't she great for that one CD where she was attempting to be a rocker chick? Well she's desperately trying to remind us that we used to like her still. Apparently mimicking terrorist attacks in her performance will equal many many sales when her CD drops. Someone call Homeland Security on the has-been leading the blue trenchcoat mafia while singing off-key.
In a surprising trend of the night, she rips off her pants and performs her song in her panties, too, just like Rihanna did while pretending to be Thriller. Because there's only one way to celebrate throwing a molotov cocktail through an innocent storefront window and that's pretending to be Joan Jett with no pants on.
Those of you with Eagle Eyes like Shia LaBouf, Pink would like to introduce you to her left nipple. Even with the nipple slip, she comes in behind Wheezy in the most bangable female performer list.
Commercial time, as I think about Pink's VMA performance of Just Like A Pill, that blew this performance of So What out of the water as if she herself threw it through a storefront window.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Did you know we've had 14 performances of "Like a Virgin" in VMA history? Not surprising since 14 is the number of minutes Katy Perry has burned through so far.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only performance I was looking forward to with the Ting-Tangs singing Shut Up And Let Me Go is reduced to a 20 second return from commercial bumper. Keep in mind that we've had a good 4 minutes of Pete Wentz so far that have been meaningless and easily replaceable. Apparently, he got Ashlee Simpson pregnant and we're already sick of the baby, too. If two brunettes have an offspring, they are likely to have a brunette baby. If two vapid, talentless famewhores have an offspring, will it have an MTV reality gameshow by 2012?
Best Hip Hop video is presented tonight by Slipknot, as a stark reminder that hip hop as a genre is about as dead as Slipknot's career. McLovin attempts to sneak into Slipknot with a homemade lucha mask. That's how Slipknot found their second drummer, keyboard player, and bassist.
Your nominees are: the same as best male video with Mary J Blige thrown in. And your winner? Lil' Wheezy's Autotune. He would like to thank pro-tools and God... and oddly that guy from Linkin Park. Unless he is God, then it's just redundant.
Jordan Sparks defends promise rings because she would rather ravage kraft services than be a slut. That's YOUR American Idol, America.
And performing live from some place that's not the VMA stage (continuing this fun trend of pissing off the live audience) is T.I. He walks through a bunch of back lot movie sets as the camera barely focuses on him, making him feel a bit more like Pink does every single day in the process. His performance features at least 3 really obvious pre-recorded filming cuts that are horribly obvious. Thankfully he was dared to sample the Numa Numa dance for a song, and Rihanna was desperate enough to sing over it. For singing this song's hook, Rihanna was able to afford a pair of pants, so we all win. Especially Numa Numa guy.
Commercial break as TJ Barker continues hitting away that one beat he knows, this time over A-Ha's Take On Me.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Sadly every commercial break has featured a spot for Transformers on Blu-Ray, so I might have been betting on the wrong horse with Free Credit Report. Well, that guy did marry his dream girl at least. Somehow FreeTripleScore.com had enough advertising funds to get on the VMAs, but Free Credit Report did not. Maybe that guy shouldn't have spent all his money on that crappy Schwinn.
The cast of High School Musical 3 welcome us back from commercial and sadly Hudgens is clothed so she's absolutely useless to all. They are here to introduce the new Christina Aguilera, back from repackaging because the flappy 30s singer act wasn't really catching on.
She starts off by performing what might be the most awesome remix of Genie In A Bottle ever dressed up as Catwoman, making this the best performance of the night. Did someone kidnap Soft Cell and lock them in a studio until she had the most awesome synthline ever?
Everything breaks apart as we morph into her new single and the song sounds like an interesting synthpop hit that would not be out of place on VH-1 Classic. Still horribly retro, but at least she has some excellent keyboards behind her. Is it sad that I'm one step away from jerking it over the keyboard lines and not Aguilera in a vinyl jumpsuit? Interestingly enough, it seems Christina is doing the performance drunk and/or stoned Britney attempted to do last year with Gimmie More, and she seems to be beating Britney at just about every facet, including actually singing live.
As a straight male in the coveted 24-35 year old demographic... Aguilera brought a performance that brought with it a hint of the VMA performances we used to see a decade ago. I will not purchase her new CD because of it, however, but I might find myself in a dark alley clicking a bittorrent for it.
Here are some people who think they are famous to give us the actual winner of Best New Artist. And your Best New Artist is... Obama!
Oh wait, it's Tokio Hotel. Proving that teenage emo goth girls can be persuaded to stop shopping at Hot Topic long enough to call MTV non-stop for a month to vote some Germans wearing more make-up than them into Moon Man bliss.
Commercial time as anyone who has never heard of Tokio Hotel wonder why that girl has such a deep voice.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
We have also heard about how Paris Hilton needs a new BFF about 2-3 times every commercial break. MTV apparently is more concerned about who Paris hangs out with than playing music videos at this point.
Jim Carrey does his best Russell Brand impersonation as he downs 40 Red Bulls and can't shut up in Yes Man, sadly coming out in 2008 and doesn't count for squat in our commercial death match. So close with December 19th, though. Sadly, no cigar.
LL Cool J welcomes us back from commercial, performing Going Back to Cali while Travis Barker continues that same drum beat he's been playing all night. He's like the energizer bunny with less talent.
On September 9th, we'll all pick out lingerie and wear it with LL Cool J and Russell Brand in one of many awkward segues for Brand tonight.
Hey, did you know Paris is looking for a new BFF? She's here to present something and remind us? She also is looking for a new BFF and only a reality show gameshow can find that someone, guys.
Your nominees for best pop video are: Jonas Brothers, Britney Spears (who apparently is having a comeback from crazy), Tokio Hotel (who still confuse everyone who has never heard of them), Diddy's Create-a-Girl-Group-By-Numbers, and Panic at the Disco (still looking for their lost exclamation point). Your winner is Britney Spears! MTV will hammer her successful comeback into your skull if it kills us all. She thanks God, yet again, for directing that great Linkin Park video that won earlier.
That guy who's not Kayne West and can never be Kayne West even if he has more talent performs us away for another commercial break, as Travis Barker somehow pretends to play the same drumbeat he's been playing all night over a drum machine. The guy is where percussion goes to die.
Commercial break as we all get time to digest just how far Britney has come in this predestined, publicist driven resurgence of MTV's doing.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Lava Sauce is apparently more important to Taco Bell than showing off the amazing lyrical skills of the two crackers ordering 89 cent burritos.
Drake and Josh are in the house! And they have a Christmas movie coming out. Josh has somehow become skinnier than Drake using voodoo or perhaps Scientology. They are here to introduce Kid Rock, who goes on to rant about not lip syncing and actually writing his own music... as he moves into his single All Summer Long, that is just him singing moderately worst lyrics over the already horrible Sweet Home Alabama. Way to prove a point, Mr. Rock. Perhaps creativity doesn't come easy for a man when he's on 24/7 Hep C watch after slipping his Joe C into Pamela Anderson.
Did you know Mitch Hedberg has a new CD coming out? Isn't that amazement? Well, it's way more interesting and entertaining to think about than actually watching Kid Rock attempt to be Bob Seger. Now, if a bunch of Koalas infest the stage, or perhaps a frog hopped along I can catch and put in a jar with a leaf to recreate the habitat it is used to, it would be worth my time.
Wheezy jumps onstage to add a rap breakdown to
Remember that great new song Aguilera performed? Those with TiVos are probably re-watching that instead of watching Wheezy yeah "SAY YEAH" over Kid Rock at this point.
We cut to commercials as those who used Kid Rock's performance as a bathroom break (and god only knows I should have) are just returning to be reminded that Paris Hilton totally needs a new BFF. Vital information must be spread, people, along with many STDs. BFF is officially brought to you by Valtrex.
White Guy Rapping Taco Bell Commercials: 1
Freecreditreport.com Lame Singing Commercials: 0
Commercials from MTV claiming they play music: 0
Commercials for movies not out until 2009: 0
Mr. Made Up of Different Stuff Guy proclaims this deathmatch officially over. Taco Bell rapping white guys win with a stunning... uh... one commercial aired.
Basketball Guy #29 is here to present video of the year. Your nominees are: Britney Spears (apparently making a comeback or something), the Jonas Brothers, Chris Brown, Pussycat Dolls, and Ting-Tangs. One of these things are not like the others, one of these things deserves to win but won't. Your winner is... Britney Spears, putting a nail in the coffin of all those naysayers who said she couldn't sing by showing that she... can't sing! This award is dedicated to all the mindless pop culture reporters who went apeshit when they heard she was on the show and gave MTV free press.
As Russell Brand is hauled out of the VMAs on the back of a golfcart he almost flies off of, Kan-yay West (as Brand pronounces it) breaks his long running VMA boycott by closing the show. Man, that boycott ran for... just about a year. He's a man of strength and morals, folks. Somehow he manages to use autotune to sing in such a way that you can't even tell he's using it, hereby doing T-Pain's shtick better than T-Pain did. At least he broke the boycott with a pretty subdued but captivating performance as he actually sings the entire time in front of what appeared to be a Jawa drum corp.
Russell Brand ends the show as he began it: by talking really fast to the point of being incoherent about love and piece and god and infinity. And so ends 2 hours and 15 minutes of our lives we can never get back. Maybe, just maybe, we can all be Paris' BFF and it'll all be worth it.
I hereby announce I am boycotting the MTV VMAs, just like Kanye did.
In that case, see you next year.
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